How Can I Have a Healthy Marriage?
How do you keep a marriage healthy? You watch the Hollywood movies and most of the romantic comedies lead up to the wedding and then it cuts to the credits. Why is this? I joke that it’s because that’s where the mess often begins, and it wouldn’t make for a good movie. We have a culture obsessed with “finding the one.” But the vows you make to one another before God during your marriage ceremony is only the starting line. Lord-willing, you’ll have decades to spend together. As you consider what good posture does to the body, the right postures within a marriage keep it strong and fruitful. What are they?
Up to God
We were created as worshipful beings. This is true before marriage and true after. One of the great joys of life together with your husband or wife is enjoying God’s presence together. There’s something profoundly sacred when husband and wife kneel together by their bedside, or when curled up on the couch, they speak to God as one.
There’s a Swedish proverb that says, “A shared joy is double joy. A shared sorrow is half a sorrow.” In other words, as you share with excitement what God is doing or speaking to your heart, your joy is doubled as your partner is able to delight in him alongside you. At the same time, a sorrowful burden is immediately lightened when you have someone in your corner that is willing to carry it with you. To approach God’s throne in your time of need is a gift. He will draw near as he promised and supply you with strength. But to have a companion you can approach God’s throne with is an even greater gift.
Your marriage will need the soil of grace if it’s to grow. Resources like forgiveness and patience and wisdom can’t be manufactured in the long-run by the human heart. It must be connected to God. And heaven’s pantry armed with everything we need for godly living is opened up to us when our hearts are opened and lifted up to him…in worship.
*Men, if I may speak to you for a moment. You are the priest of your home. When Peter writes that husbands are to live with their wives in an understanding way lest their prayers be hindered (1st Peter 3:7), does this not imply that husbands should be interceding for their wives? Or consider the glorious passage in Ephesians where Paul unveils the beautiful mystery of marriage, namely, that it points to the relationship between Jesus, the Groom, and the Church, his bride. The husband in this marital drama is the representative of Christ who cleanses his bride by the washing of the word (5:26). So, men, you are to set the tone for the frequency and intensity and intentionality of being together in God’s presence.
One simple practice a husband can initiate (beside making Sunday morning church attendance an absolute non-negotiable) is family worship–a daily time where the entire family can be together singing, reading, and praying. It can be as quick as ten minutes lifting up a hymn, sharing a Bible story, and lifting up the needs of your wife and/or kids. But this habit will profoundly shape their hearts and foster togetherness in the Lord’s presence.
If you’d like the biblical basis for family worship or encouragement to get started, I’d point you to a short but powerful book by Donald Whitney: Family Worship : In the Bible, In History, and In Your Home.
Face to Face
When God formed Eve out of Adam’s rib, he brought her to him; indeed, what we have is the first wedding processional in the Bible where God gave away the woman to the man (Gen. 2:22). And what did Adam do? He beheld her and exclaimed, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh…(Gen. 2:23). She was uniquely formed to meet the deficiency God declared Adam had without having another like him. He was not to be alone. She was to be, among other things, his friend.
We were designed to look at our spouse with our eyes fixed on him/her. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Moses was called a friend of God, and yet, how did God speak to Moses? Face to face (Exodus 33:11)? This is not an insignificant detail.
It is no wonder that the most sensitive sounds to the human ear are those in front of us. Consider the instruction to love our neighbor, our spouse being our closest. How can we adequately love our spouse if we don’t understand their needs, their burdens, their interests? And how can we understand without first studying—their body language, their strengths, their weaknesses ,and without listening–to their tone, to the feeling behind their words, to their heart? Even more, how can we study and listen to our spouse without spending time with them? And how can we spend time with them if we’re never looking at them? Friendship is forged face-to-face–conversing, listening, and beholding.
*If you’re a husband or wife, what might it look like to have a once a month date night? Consider sharing in an activity together in the house or turning off the TV and spending an hour together in conversation over hot chocolate or tea. If you’re single, how might you serve the couples in your church? Babysitting is a ministry in and of itself, and this loving sacrifice will contribute towards keeping the marriages within your church healthy. If you are someone married, understand that many singles within your church battle loneliness. Show them they are family by cooking a meal for them and having them in your home. Fellowship around the table does a lot to communicate belonging.
Shoulder to Shoulder
I’ve written in the past that marriage is for mission. When God brings a man and woman together in matrimony, he forms a new team unit to establish his kingdom. Regardless of your life season, the calling to make disciples applies; in marriage, then, you have a lifelong partner committed to carry out this God-ordained assignment alongside you. God created Adam and instructed him to “guard and keep the garden” (Gen. 2:15). Then, he made Eve as a suitable helper (Gen. 2:18) What was she to help with? Well, for one, she was to help Adam follow the creation mandate, “Be fruitful and multiply.” (Gen. 1:28). She was also to help Adam obey the decree of guarding and keeping the garden.
She was a lover to Adam. She was also a confidant. But she was also a worker. The prophet Habakkuk declares that the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the earth of the glory of the Lord (2:14), which means that a husband and wife work together to bring this about. For Adoniram and Ann Judson, they labored to bring the Gospel to the Burmese. For Jim and Elisabeth Elliot, they labored to bring the Gospel to the Auca people in Ecuador. The point is this: you may not have a garden to keep but you have a harvest field you’ve been sent into. There are disciples that need instructing, the lost that need evangelizing, and kids that need catechizing. We do not lack uncompleted work. And he has called you and your spouse to it.
When Paul speaks of those he deeply loves like Archippus (Philemon 1:2) or Epaphroditus (Philippians 2:25), he calls them “fellow soldiers.” Paul traveled to many cities to plant churches, but he didn’t plant alone. He had a team. Is this not what a husband and wife are? We don’t have to guess at the win. It’s been given to us : to help others follow Jesus. And we lay down our lives–a phrase I’m afraid gets said but not pondered—to see this mission fulfilled. What you have in a wedded couple is love, but what you have when a couple serves together is love in action. That’s what we want to shoot for in our marriages.
*What can help a family towards this shoulder to shoulder labor is cultivating a mission statement. Now, a family on mission together doesn’t mean the family does everything together. If a mom stays home and the dad works, the dad provides for the children while the mom is nurturing the children. They may be stationed at different posts but they complement one another working towards a shared goal. If the goal of the family is to help strengthen younger families, much of the husband’s work is going to be among other husbands while the wife’s work will be among the wives. But defining the mission helps a family know what sacrifices will be necessary, what rhythms to implement, and when and how to celebrate.
Two impactful resources are episodes from the podcast, Dad Tired: The Skill of Fatherhood and Cultivating a Family Mission Statement.
Maintaining Good Posture
Now it’s important that we get all of these postures right. Marriage is a beautiful blend of these three postures. You are worshippers. You are friends. You are laborers. If we pursue the face-to-face posture without looking up to God, then we’re more likely to conform to our partner’s image than God’s. Why? Because we’re looking at him/her more than God himself. We run the risk of making our partner our idol. On the other hand, if we pursue the shoulder-to-shoulder posture without first worshiping the One whose mission it is to begin with, then we’ll labor in our own strength and burn out rather quickly. That’s the mistake of failing to factor in God.
But we can pursue worship and still miss the mark if either the face-to-face posture or the shoulder-to-shoulder posture is missing. How? If the face-to-face posture is not balanced without the shoulder-to-shoulder, then you will enjoy the gift of companionship but it will stop short of spilling over into blessing others. Even though your relationship might be strong, the island you two live on doesn’t make room to serve those in need. At the same time, if you neglect the face-to-face posture and only engage in the shoulder-to-shoulder, then you forfeit the intended intimacy God desires for husband and wife. A soul is complex and to understand the inward ways of your partner takes time for processing and understanding. Just like our bodies’ core dictates so much of our overall health, the ministries that overflow from our marriage will be fruitful to the degree our marriages are strong.
I don’t think any couple balances this perfectly. Undoubtedly, there are going to be seasons where one might be more emphasized than the other. But if you commit to check-in, aim to have these postures be a target for you both, and plead to God for help, the Lord will see to it to strengthen and sustain your marriage where he receives glory, you receive joy, and others receive blessing.