My college ministry once facilitated a relationships & dating panel and one quote stuck out to me: “if you want to know if you’re ready for marriage, you should ask your roommate”. 

Few people have such an in-depth look into the state of our lives than those we live with. Because of their proximity, they can observe key aspects of our lives like how we spend our time, our attitudes towards our responsibilities, our healthiest habits, and our worst coping mechanisms. 

Roommates can not only be the closest witnesses to our holiness (or lack thereof) but they can also be the closest influences on our holiness (or lack thereof). 

So what are good qualities to look for in a roommate? 

I believe Ephesians 4 can guide us to answer these questions well.

For those in Christ, we must strive to reflect the character of Christ through our lives. We are called to “put off your old self” (v.22), to “no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds” (v.17), but to “walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called” (v.1). But we aren’t asked to do this alone - as a unified body of believers: “we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ” (v.15) using the unique gifts He has given each of us so that “when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love” (v.16). We are called to grow towards Christ together, as His church.

The concept of a healthy church community isn’t new to many believers, but it is easy to compartmentalize it. We can easily keep our community outside our homes, contained to church services and small groups that meet outside our living space. But how much more could we spur each other on towards holiness if we take our community home with us too? 

Look for roommates who will “speak the truth with his neighbor” (v.25) and will walk with you in humility, gentleness, patience, love, and peace (v.2-3). Only those who have a relationship with Christ will be able to do this well. Especially in our most private space, we need people who will lead us away from temptation, not towards it. This includes sexual temptation. Therefore, I strongly encourage only living with those of the same gender as you because they can hold you accountable in this area without being a source of temptation themselves.

What about non-believers? Is it okay to live with people who don’t know Christ?

I can see the appeal in trying to use your living situation to be a witness to the gospel. I think there are some who have done this well and have built relationships that lead to profound spiritual conversations with lost friends. However - especially if you’re in college - constantly resisting the worldly temptations around you is spiritually draining, and even more so if you live with a friend who lives a worldly life. Consider verses 17-24 of Ephesians 4: 

“Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.”

If you are considering living with a non-believer, have you been strengthened in your faith enough so that you won’t be “tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes” (v.14)? Or would it be more spiritually beneficial to you to live with a believer who will anchor you in righteousness?

Where should we look for godly believers?

At King’s Hill, we often quote Dhati Lewis: “the church is not like a family, it is a family”. If we are all children of God, that makes us brothers and sisters in Christ, united in an eternal bond - one that is just as real as our blood relationships. So it makes total sense to live with members of your church family, to pick your roommates from your local church. Fellow members of the local church can be uniquely committed to you, to hold you accountable to the teachings you hear, to partner with you as you serve the local body. (Sometimes it can be logistically difficult to find roommates within your church, so online Christian roommate boards are a decent backup plan.)

How should I approach my relationships with my roommates?

Even with Christian roommates, it can be easy to just mind your own business and relationally isolate in your bedrooms. But from my experience, some of the most comforting, sanctifying, encouraging, Christ-centered friendships I’ve ever had were built on the living room couch. I have had stellar roommates who have wept with me, gently rebuked me, patiently heard my promises to do the dishes, called me out when I failed to do the dishes, amplified my joy in Christ, and discerned callings with me. So much of my spiritual growth over the past several years has been cultivated in my own home, by the people who saw me as not just a roommate, but a closely-knit sister in Christ.

Not every roommate relationship needs to be a tightly-bonded friendship, but I still encourage you to love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:39), outdo one another in showing honor (Romans 12:10), and serve one another (1 Peter 4:7-11). These commands can be particularly challenging to do in roommate relationships, as conflict often arises between roommates. But in those times of tension, return to Ephesians 4:

“Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Ephesians 4:25-32 

My hope is that with each roommate relationship you have, that you would become exponentially more mature in Christ - that your life would reflect our ultimate hope which is “one body, one Spirit…one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all” (v.4-6). 

And who knows… the Lord may use your roommate relationships to prepare you for marriage along the way!