The Design of Dating
Note: This blog is a part of a series on what it looks like to honor Christ in dating. Throughout 2025, I’ll be posting blogs on this topic for your edification. For full context on the topic at-hand, we recommend beginning with the first blog here and reading through to the most recent published. See “The Destination of Dating” here.
Antiquated Affairs
We’ve already acknowledged that dating isn’t as it should be. And that, if we’re honest, many of us have experienced this… and contributed to it. If that’s the case, what then should dating look like? In other words, what’s the design of dating?
First, we must acknowledge that the rules for dating aren’t originally articulated in the first few books of the Bible. In fact, Scripture doesn’t really articulate much about dating at all. And that’s because dating, as we know it, is a fairly modern cultural construct. Many of us have heard of, and often rolled our eyes to, the idea of courtship and especially arranged marriages. And for many of us, to call us out of the modern way we date is wrong because this would impose on our individual freedoms and is frankly an antiquated way of viewing society. However, for a moment, if I can, I want to invite you into a historical-theological discussion—How did we end up in the dating culture we have? And, if you’re honest with yourself, do you honestly believe the dating culture we live in is what God intended for us? And, if we truly believe that God designed marriage, and he’s set up boundaries for what marriage should look like, then how should that shape the way we pursue relationships today?
Don’t get me wrong—as I mentioned in my previous blog, I’m not advocating for arranged marriages. I understand to ask for such would mean a total upheaval of our society’s values. And, honestly, I think there’s some benefit to getting to know the person you’re going to marry. However, I do think examining how we got here can show us, as Christians, how we can (and how we shouldn’t) pursue a godly form of dating.
Antiquity — During the ancient Greco-Roman period, dating certainly didn’t exist. Marriages were arranged by the families of the bride and groom, not by the individuals themselves. Many times, the couple did not meet one another until they were betrothed (similar to engagement). Typically the groom’s family would offer up some sort of gift as part of the marital contract agreement. Of course, families sometimes saw this as an opportunity to move up in social class based on whom their daughter would marry. The two would then be in a pseudo-engagement phase, where they are legally bound to one another and yet not fully married yet. They would not live together at this stage, but it would be considered divorce if the marriage were called off (Deut. 24:1–4, see: Matt. 1:19). Then would come a grand feast, which would mark the beginning of the couple’s marriage. This event would eventually come to be known as what we know as a “wedding reception,” and would mark the beginning of the couple being married.
The Rise of Courtship — Arranged marriage was the most common form of pre-marital relations for most of history, and anything outside of that was considered societally taboo. That was until the 1600s and the rise of individualism in Western society. Prior to that, there were small steps that brought us here, like the Catholic Church declaring that mutual consent was necessary for engagement and marriage. But it truthfully wasn’t until the Protestant Reformation that marriage became less of a contractual agreement between two families and instead began to be viewed as a covenantal relationship between two individuals. It became a partnership based on mutual affection and spiritual likeness rather than a move toward familial power, influence, or financial gain. Certainly, as books like Pride and Prejudice show us, both parental guidance and social class still mattered. But what began to matter most was the views and choices of the two people getting married. This is when the idea of courtship began to rise.
Courtship tended to be a more structured form of intentionally pursuing marriage. Unlike our modern culture, the goal wasn’t casual “flings.” Rather, the goal of courting was explicitly marriage. The young man’s job was to “woo” the young woman through letters, poems, and small gifts. And, to the annoyance of our modern culture, most of the interactions between the two pursuing marriage were done under parental supervision. From the beginning of the pursuit to the wedding date, parents were quite involved all along the way. Even lone public outings were rare, as the couple was always chaperoned by friends or family members.
The Advent of the Dating Relationship — Then came the 20th century, and the reality of growing cities and the advent of things like movie theaters and new transportation methods all began to push relationships further away from familial influence and even more toward autonomy. Throw in the mix the rise of feminism and newfound disdain for traditional family roles in the 1970s, and you’ve got a recipe for a new type of relationship—the so-called “dating” relationship. Whereas courtship was more private and formal, dating was an opportunity for couples to show their “real selves”—to be “authentic.” And Hollywood only catapulted this further with its elevation of romance and the societally ideal relationship.
Talking, Snapchatting, Tweeting, Friending, Liking, Following, oh my! — Enter: the iPhone. Now, we have the opportunity to woo someone without ever seeing them face-to-face. Relationships can begin or be broken based on words you type on a screen. And the freedom to engage with someone sexually—something society, influenced by Christianity, long relegated to the marriage bed—is at our fingertips. Part of me wonders if we’re seeing another shift out of dating into a new structure of “talking.” These days, dating must first begin with a talking phase before we ever actually go on a date. Marriage was of course too serious of a commitment for people, so the neverending dating relationship was invented. It seems that dating, too, has become too serious of a commitment. Where, then, should we look?
Biblical Bases
Statistics show us that (even among churchgoers) people are getting married much later… and waiting much longer in a relationship to get married. And if this is so, clearly the church is not offering up a better alternative than what the world is offering. Ultimately, what I see is a need for a renewal of the dating relationship—possibly even an outright reformation. And I believe that, although the Bible does not offer us prescriptions for the dating relationship, there is much to be gleaned from the Scriptures on the nature of friendship, relationship, and marriage, which can give us a vision for what God-honoring dating can look like.
As I’ve noted in a previous blog post, I am particularly influenced by C.S. Lewis’s thoughts on friendship at this point. Lewis argues that the most miserable people in the world are those who want friends and yet can’t get them because their desire is for friendship itself. True friendship isn’t born, he notes, through the wanting of friendship. Rather, true friendship is born out of wanting something else. “Those who are going nowhere, can have no fellow travelers,” he argues.
This, then, is the impetus of what the Bible seems to portray as the grounds for “biblical dating” (if one could say such an oxymoronic phrase). The grounds of dating is not solely personal gratification. Rather, personal gratification in the biblical sense is the means by which the true grounds—or, better put, the ends—of dating comes about. Here’s what I mean: In the Garden of Eden, God created marriage where there was no marriage (Gen. 2:24). One could say, God “arranged the marriage” of the two before time had begun. And while, certainly, Adam and Eve found delight in one another (Gen. 2:23), God had greater purposes behind their delight. As Romans 1 shows us, God’s goal was that the Creator would be honored through what has been created (marriage). This marriage was not simply a contract between two individuals. Rather, it was a covenant of three parties—the bride, the groom, and their Father in Heaven (Mal. 2:14). Marriage was a union (Eph. 5), a mark of companionship (Gen. 2:18), a propellant of fruitfulness (Gen. 1:28), and a picture of Christ and the church (Eph. 5:31-32, see also: Song of Solomon). Marriage ultimately was created so that through all of these things, God would be glorified. Paradoxically, God being glorified is, simultaneously, the ultimate goal of marriage, the ultimate goal of singleness (1 Cor. 7:7-8), and—yes, as I have argued—the ultimate goal of dating. And if that’s the case, and two individuals of the opposite sex feel the same about this reality, then a profound friendship can be born. And it is this God-honoring friendship between two individuals of the opposite sex that can result in beautiful matrimony.
Clarifying Confusion
So, put all of this together—the history of both romance and God’s design behind marriage and dating—and what does this tell us? A few different things:
All three methods of pursuing marriage—dating relationships, courtship, and arranged marriages—have their benefits and drawbacks. Dating and courtship promote individual affection that is modeled for us in the Garden of Eden and Song of Solomon. Arranged marriages offer the structure and familial involvement God has long honored. However, arranged marriages many times were used for financial gain rather than affection resulting in praise. The “privacy” of courtship led to a snowball of autonomy, and the freedom of dating led to a significant rise in cohabitation. As followers of Christ, we must see this and acknowledge there must be a fourth way.
Anything wrong or confusing about pre-marital interaction is because of the Fall of man in Genesis 3. In a broken world, people do broken things. We no longer honor the Creator, but rather honor the created thing (marriage) more than Him (Rm. 1). It is only through a Sovereign act of God in which He causes us to be born again (Jn. 3, 1 Pet. 1:3) that we can then desire for Him to get the right praise He deserves.
Dating to glorify God must be the supreme desire of the Christian’s goal in dating. As I noted in The Destination of Dating, if this is the case, then breaking up is not the end of the world if it means your Father’s glory. Significantly, this leaves no room for self-gratification, emotional dependence, or casual consumption. Christian dating should look quite different from the rest of the world’s version of dating, and should encompass the best of the three ways to pursue marriage throughout history. Truthfully, Christian dating is actually more like a beautiful friendship than anything else.
Therefore, we must evaluate our motives: Are you dating to give glory to God, or to get what you ultimately want—affection, affirmation, allegiance, etc? And secondly, are you willing to invite the Holy Spirit and the Scriptures to shape your decisions around dating and what dating should look like, and how this friendship of two souls should operate? Or will you simply conform to the world (Rm. 12:1-2)?
If you are willing to let the Scriptures form how you date, and your goal in dating is to glorify God, then I’d say you’re ready for a redeemed view of dating. And for that, we look to our next blog topic: The Engine and the Fuel for Dating, and to the gospel of Jesus Christ.
