The Fuel for Dating
Fueling Up
Insert yourself into a story similar to one that I shared in a previous blog. Imagine you’re in that car once again, driving down a long, winding road called Relationship Road. As we’ve already established, this journey will not be easy and there are many dangers, toils, and snares that lay in your path. Not to mention, recent history and stories of others driving down this road don’t exactly ease the tension. Ironically, Relationship Road is not your friend. And yet, as we also have already established, the destination will be worth it—as long as your eyes are set on the right ending.
As you drive, one thing we know that is critical to the completion of this mission is the means by which you make it there. The most basic need you have is the fuel that keeps your vehicle running down Relationship Road. In our case, what I’m going to argue is that when we’re talking about dating, the only fuel we need to be able to complete the drive is the gospel of Jesus Christ.
The Story Retold
Let’s think about this together. First, ponder: What’s your favorite story? Is it one that involves friends on a mission to save the world (Lord of the Rings)? Or could it be a story about redemption and renewal, where good ultimately triumphs (It’s a Wonderful Life)? Whatever your favorite story may be, all stories tell us something about humanity: We’re a story-driven people. We thrive on stories. We’re compelled by the likes of Atticus Finch, Christian in Pilgrim’s Progress, and Nick Carraway from The Great Gatsby.
Why are we this way? Why are we story-driven people? Because God is a story-writing God.
What we’ve already established about God’s Story is that, in the beginning, God began the Story by creating a people made in His image for the purpose of magnifying His name forever. And, for the purposes of our study, we know that one of the means that God has created to magnify His name is the covenant blessing of marriage—a blessing many of us look forward to throughout the process of dating.
However—there’s a tragic twist to this Story. Soon after the beginning, in Genesis 3, mankind rebelled against their Creator and in turn our desires for God’s glory have been distorted. Now, we search, we try, we do everything we can to gain glory for ourselves instead. And in return, the world around us, and even our very hearts are now corrupted. Our relationships are fractured in response. Our marriages suffer because of our sinfulness. And we now need redemption. And that is where the New Testament offers the answer.
The Key in the Ignition
Here’s where God steps into the Story: He became one of us. In the person and work of His Son, God steps into the Story to redeem us. And now, for the purposes of our study, we know that Jesus Christ is the solution to the longing of our hearts for relational intimacy.
We feel this. No amount of dates or sexual encounters can fill the longing desires of our heart. When they’re put at the center of our focus, they only leave us feeling more empty, longing for something else. But that’s where Jesus steps in. He is the True Bridegroom who lays down His life for His Bride, the church (Eph. 5:25). He is on a mission of expressing God’s love—His relational intimacy with us. It’s significant that commentators throughout history have frequently noted the analogous relationship between the two lovers in Song of Solomon and between Christ and His Church. There is a great intimacy between God and His people, an intimacy that fulfills the deepest longings of our souls. And what I’m aiming at in this argument is that this intimacy—this intimacy with Jesus is the very ignition for a strong, thriving relationship with others. It has often been said that our vertical relationship with God affects our horizontal relationships with others. And specifically in our case, we must know that to have a thriving relationship with Jesus means a greater opportunity for a thriving relationship in dating and, eventually, covenantally in marriage.
This gospel of Jesus is not only the ignition for the car, however. The gospel is also the fuel for the engine to keep it going. Here’s what I mean: The only way for you and I to continue to have thriving relationships with others—and specifically in marriage—is that we stay closely connected to Jesus. Now, you might think to yourself, “People outside of the church have good relationships all the time!” And I’d of course concede that, there are of course Christians who struggle in marriage and non-Christians who have healthy marriages.
However, I do think a Christ-exalting Christian relationship is set apart in a unique way. Worldly relationships typically revolve around the self—”How can I get the most out of this relationship, this date, this marriage? How can they meet my needs?”
But the Bible talks about relationships in a different manner. Jesus models for us self-sacrifice as the ultimate example of covenantal love. His willingness to lay down His life for His bride and then the subsequent action of redemption—following through on that willingness—shows us a different way. Rather than seeking out self-gratification in relationships and marriage, the gospel frees us to give up ourselves for the other person. No longer is the relationship about you. Rather, it’s about God—and it’s about showing His covenant love to another person. It’s about sacrificing yourself for the other person to experience enjoyment. And, let me tell you, this really is freeing! What it does is our eyes are taken off the exhausting “What if…” game of constantly wondering how much the other person approves of me. Instead, in Christ, we’ve been freed up to uplift the other person’s needs, to help them find enjoyment in God, and to experience true joy. And friends, what we must know is that this model of relationship is the key for all other relational development. Are we okay with laying down what we want for the sake of someone else’s enjoyment and for the sake of Christ’s glory? This must be the question we ask ourselves.
Now, Let’s Drive
With this as our foundation, I think we’re finally ready to talk about more “practical” things. But we must never move on to practicals without first understanding the foundation that is our relationship with Christ. Because the second you make the practicals your focus… you end up failing at the practicals as well. Instead, we must always remember to be a gospel-centered people. And, in doing so, we will develop a passion for both Jesus and the other person that will protect and sustain us—for God’s glory and for our good.
As we look forward toward the next three dating blog posts, there’s a few foundational elements we must remember coming out of these reflections:
As we established in The Destination of Dating, marriage is not the end-goal of dating. Glorifying God is. Those two components (marriage and glorifying God) often (not always) go hand-in-hand. And, the opposite is usually true, too. When a relationship doesn’t result in marriage, it’s often a relationship that hasn’t glorified God very well. However, it’s also possible that a marriage doesn’t glorify God, and that relationship result in marriage. This can be seen by the countless marriages that are birthed out of sinful relationships. And, conversely, it is also possible for many relationships to glorify God and the relationship not end in marriage.
Meaning—practically—it’s okay to break up if it means your holiness. It’s far better for God to be glorified in your singleness than for God to be grieved while you’re in a relationship.
As we established in The Design of Dating, God cares about how we date. Although “dating relationships” in our context are a social construct in many ways, he desires that we date in such a way that others are honored and He is glorified. We must also remember to not let the culture’s voices define how we date. Rather, we must remember to let the Word of God determine how we date. Doing so will lead to both God’s glory and our joy.
As we consider the gospel of Jesus and how it restores us unto a redeemed view of dating, we must remember to stay close to Jesus. We may have a longing for intimacy with a spouse, but intimacy with Jesus is the ultimate gift our hearts long for. (This is why singleness can be a great gift!)
Looking ahead to the next few blogs, let’s remember to rest in the gospel. I’m certain that, for many of us, reflecting on our dating experiences—especially as we consider practical advice—will bring our failures and regrets to the surface. But even as we face that shame, we must remember that in Christ, there is abounding forgiveness and mercy. Rest in His finished work and allow His love to redefine your story. Only then will you be able to make the drive.
