Stop Waiting to Be Served: Building Life-Giving Friendships in the Church
Friendships are hard. Life is full of transitions and changes that make it difficult to maintain old relationships and build new friendships. It can feel overwhelming and exhausting trying to find your "people." Sometimes, it can be difficult to know where to even start. It can be easy to throw your hands up and decide that a life of solitude is for you.
When I decided to move to Boston, I knew loneliness would be a factor. I was moving far away from sweet friendships and would be forced to face the daunting task of making new ones. I also knew that God would shepherd me through this season, because He and I had walked this way before. I hope my experience, and the ways the Lord has taught me through my own sin and lack of wisdom, may guide you as you navigate friendships within the church. We were made to be in community with one another, and following Jesus is something we do alongside our brothers and sisters in Christ.
Even prior to moving to Boston, I struggled when it came to friendships. I deeply desired close friends who would exhort, challenge, and follow Jesus wholeheartedly alongside me. Yet I felt as though the people with whom I could truly be myself were few and far between. I regarded myself as a victim and wallowed in self-pity. For a long time, this caused me to struggle to believe the reality of the church as family. If these people were supposed to be my family, why did I feel so out of place?
When I was a junior in college, I decided to go all-in at my local church. Previously, I had been partially committed to a variety of different things—attending a Bible study from one church, Sunday services at other churches (yes, multiple), and occasionally going to an on-campus ministry. This is a bad idea (don't do it), but that's a conversation for another day.
The Lord, in His kindness, convicted me and led me to fully commit to my local church, which later became my sending church. None of my Christian friends at the time wanted to go with me, so in order to walk in obedience to the Lord, I had to go alone. Mind you, I was a loudly self-proclaimed introvert, and the idea of walking into a college night filled with 100 students I didn't know was terrifying.
Those first few months were hard. I felt so out of place. I remember growing frustrated and waiting for someone to come up to me, for someone to make me feel like I belonged, for someone to make the first move to be my friend. I waited and sought to be served, and when that didn't happen, I grew angry and resentful.
One evening, the Spirit brought Mark 10:45 to mind: "For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."
If Jesus, the Son of Man, came to serve and not to be served, how should that shape my life? The question stung. Rather than seeking to serve, I had come to each college night expecting to be served.
Oftentimes, we approach building friendships as an opportunity to gain. We feel lonely, so we want someone to take that loneliness away. We feel inadequate, so we want someone to make us feel special. But a life-giving friendship is not built on gaining; it is built on giving. We are called to seek to serve, not seek to be served.
One conversation that completely changed my perspective on friendships took place in the college ministry office with my college director—the setting for many life-altering conversations. I was sharing my desire to have friends who would call me out of sin. I wanted friends who would keep me accountable and help me walk in holiness.
She responded by asking, "Have you told your friends about your sin?"
She went on to explain that I couldn't expect my friends to hold me accountable if they didn't know what they were supposed to be holding me accountable for.
Now, this may seem obvious to you—and it absolutely is. Yet oftentimes we desire the qualities of a life-giving friendship—exhortation, correction, and encouragement—without taking the difficult step of being vulnerable and honest.
Most of us avoid vulnerability because of the fear of rejection. If we choose to be completely honest, there is risk involved. Yet, to bear one another's burdens, we must not only be willing to bear the burdens of others, but also be vulnerable enough to allow others to bear ours. This is a defining quality of life-giving friendships, and the reward is absolutely worth the risk.
These shifts in perspective have been transformative as I have pursued life-giving friendships. There are many practical steps that can be taken when building community and here are a just a few I encourage you to take at the start:
Be on the lookout for ways you can serve. What emotional or physical needs can you help meet? What ministries need more volunteers? How can you use your gifts to build up the body? How can you make someone else feel seen, loved, and cared for?
Stop waiting to be served. Follow the example of our Savior, who came not to be served but to serve and to give His life as a ransom for many. Because He has served us, we can freely serve others.
When you find trusted friends within the family of Christ, be courageous enough to seek accountability by sharing vulnerably and honestly about your own struggles with sin.
Pray that the Lord would help you seek to serve others. Pray that He would help you be vulnerable and honest. Pray that He would provide life-giving friendships within the church and that you would experience the gift of the church as family. This, by far, is the most important step, because a friendship cannot be truly life-giving if Christ is not at the center of it. So pray, pray, pray, and trust in the Lord's provision while also stepping out in faith to build life-giving friendships.