Should I Cut Off My Toxic Friend?

Lately I’ve seen a lot of talk about what to do about toxicity in and around our lives, especially amongst the younger generations. Social media, non-believing friends, and even Christian peers have adopted new terminology/principles for dealing with relational conflict or disagreements in our lives. We often hear about people “cutting off” a “toxic friend” or getting rid of “negative voices” in their lives. But what does that mean? And is this mentality Biblical?

I think this mentality has evolved from a good place. Originally, “toxic” was used to describe people with narcissistic, manipulative tendencies. And this sparked a discussion about how to identify and deal with people who could otherwise be described as wolves in sheep’s clothing (Matthew 7:15). But I think this conversation was quickly morphed into a method to reject or hold bitterness towards well-meaning, Christ-following friends.

*Something to keep in mind: in this blog, I am addressing friendships between brothers and sisters in Christ. We should approach our friendships with non-believers in a different way, especially if they are leading us towards sin.

So let’s take a moment to break down some common terms. 

Often when someone disagrees with a friend or doesn’t outright support a decision they’ve made, their input gets labeled as a “negative voice”. And in a positivity-focused culture, it’s natural to reject anything that’s upsetting. Then, as people gossip about others, things get labeled as “toxic” very quickly. But describing a person - or even their character traits - as “toxic” can carry serious weight. That label comes with the mental image of something resembling acid, spreading destruction as it taints everything around it. It sounds like something that needs to be urgently eradicated. Which leads us to “cutting people off” - completely cutting ties with someone. It involves severing a relationship without opportunity to reconcile. 

Now we ask this: are there any parts of this process that line up with scripture? Let’s take a look…

First, what would the Bible consider “toxic”? I think the answer is clear: it’s sin. Sin is the most corrosive influence in our lives and relationships. And sin is ingrained in our flesh. That means before Christ, we are all toxic. Any non-toxic thing we do is because of the Holy Spirit, not our own goodness. So when we call someone toxic, we look down on them and we speak from an unmerited, hypocritical high horse. 

Often, I think disagreements can come from either misunderstandings or interpreting a challenge from a friend as a lack of love. With misunderstandings, we are called to be good stewards of grace (1 Peter 4:10). This means that until we can have a conversation that brings clarity, we hold an attitude of charity towards the other person. Pastor Jonathan dives deeper into this principle in this sermon from our series on 1 Peter. And our closest Christian friends get a closer look at our sin tendencies. If we are acting unwise or in outright sin, wouldn’t our friends be disloyal if they just let us continue down that path or even cheerlead us as we wander? But getting called out by a friend can hurt our egos and the easiest assumption to make is that they are unsupportive or unloving. In reality, one of the most supportive things a friend can do is push us towards greater degrees of obedience, especially when we want to do our own thing (Proverbs 27:6).

Now, what about cutting people off? Jesus says in Matthew 5:23-24 that before we bring a gift to the altar, we should go to our brother who has something against us and reconcile with him. And if we really want to see reconciliation in action, we have to look to the gospel. We are all toxic, selfishly driven people who have sinned against a holy God and deserve to be cut off from the Father. Yet He loves us and wants us to be reconciled with Him, so He offers the forgiveness of our sins through Christ’s sacrifice. God had every right to cut ties with us and yet He draws us closer. Therefore we need to pursue forgiveness first - “as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must forgive” (Colossians 3:13). And God does not forgive reluctantly, He forgives radically. So should we.

Of course, I should mention that this does not mean you must be a doormat. Humble, Christlike forgiveness needs to work hand-in-hand with accountability. If (after a clarity-seeking conversation) a sin is exposed, we should call it out and look for genuine repentance. Again, one of the most supportive things we can do is call our friends to repentance and towards greater obedience. But if a sinful pattern persists even after attempted accountability, we can begin to take other steps. If we see consistent/prolonged unrepentance over time, our next step is to involve the church (see Matthew 18:15-17). 

Overall, when we approach disagreements with humility, charity, and forgiveness, not only do we experience reconciliation, our relationships strengthen. Through conflict, we can understand each other - and ourselves - better. We get a unique opportunity to really reflect on why we do the things we do. And we get to remind ourselves of a key aspect of the gospel - our undeserved forgiveness. And as “iron sharpens iron” (Proverbs 27:17) we can come out the other side looking more like Christ.