The Dashboard of Dating, Part 2
Note: This blog is a continuation of a previous blog, found in a series of blogs on dating relationships and how to honor Christ in them. For full context, please read from the first blog, entitled The Destination of Dating. You can also read the list of principles 1-5 on dating I gave in The Dashboard of Dating, Part 1.
Principle #6: BOUNDARIES. BOUNDARIES. BOUNDARIES.
I cannot say this word enough—boundaries. We’ve established in this series of blogs that the Bible asserts marriage as a covenantal relationship between one man and one woman. There are many things that are reserved, then, and in bounds for that covenantal relationship. Included in that, of course, is sexual relations. However, there are many things that are within the bounds of the marital covenant that are not when it comes to dating. This is why we say that in dating, there should be “boundaries”—to keep us within the bounds of that relationship and not stepping into another.
One of the most profound texts in this regard that we’ve made mention of in one of my previous blogs comes from Song of Solomon 8:4, from the queen herself, who has just been given over in marriage. The lady in love gives a strong exhortation for those who long for the same experience. In the height of her affections for her new husband, she proclaims, “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.”
Here, in this short verse, we get a powerful reminder that we must not let love awaken until it pleases, and specifically within the context of marriage. In context, I believe this “awakening” of love encompasses three different types: Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual. Therefore, this means that we should be equipped with three types of boundaries as well:
Physical Boundaries – Pursue physical purity as your life depends on it. Because it does. Listen to these words from Proverbs 7 on what sexual activity does to us outside of the context of marriage:
With much seductive speech she persuades him;
with her smooth talk she compels him.
22 All at once he follows her,
as an ox goes to the slaughter,
or as a stag is caught fast
23 till an arrow pierces its liver;
as a bird rushes into a snare;
he (someone in sexual immorality) does not know that it will cost him his life.
The author of Hebrews puts it another way: “Pursue … holiness without which no one will see the Lord.” - Hebrews 12:14. Practically, I encourage couples to put off kissing as long as possible. Some of the most beautiful stories of love I’ve seen involve couples having their first kiss on their wedding day (full disclosure—Madelyn and I did not wait to kiss on our wedding day, and sometimes we regret it. It’s a beautiful picture of purity and true love). This is also a reminder that each individual should pursue their own personal purity. Kill pornography in your life. Fight to grow your relationship with Jesus. Sin that goes undealt with in singleness and dating only magnifies in marriage.
Emotional Boundaries – Many in dating feel they are succeeding as long as they remain physically pure. However, emotional purity is almost—if not, just as—important. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen couples have some nasty breakups because they didn’t manage their emotional boundaries well. Couples feel so “attached” that breaking up quite literally feels like divorce. Surely, the idea of “awakening love” doesn’t just mean sexually.
There are things which many times need only be shared with your spouse. That doesn’t mean that you have to share them with them when they are your spouse, but it does mean that it would not be wise to share certain things unless you know for certain that this person will be your spouse. Practically, it may be wise to put off using “I love you” as long as possible.
Spiritual Boundaries – Nothing connects people quite like spiritual encounters. So, be careful not to pray for long, extended periods of time with your dating partner. I always encourage couples to pray together, but to be careful what that looks like. Your consistent Bible reading should not be done with your dating partner. It’s a good thing on the surface, but they lead to spiritual connection and attachments which are reserved for those in the marriage covenant.
As we’ve stated before, the reality is that, biblically, you have no more of a commitment or connection to the person you’re dating than you do to any other person in the room. That connection comes through covenant, and that covenant at marriage.
Principle #7: Consider Both Calling & Character
This goes without saying, but you should make sure to consider the character of the person you’re dating. After all, one byproduct of this relationship could be that they’re going to be the co-parent of your future children. Consider how they operate in group settings, whether or not they’re good with children (serve with them in kids ministry!), and how they care for those in need.
Moreover, it’s always important to consider both of your callings. If your prospective spouse feels called to overseas missions, and you feel called to rural Georgia, then someone’s dreams are going to have to die, and that’s something to consider.
Principle #8: God Arranges Marriages in the Local Church
As I noted in one of our dating blogs in this series, God arranged the first marriage. And, in our day, although we do not operate in a society of arranged marriages, one of the primary places that God still arranges marriages is in the context of the local church. If you want to find a spouse with all of the qualities that we’ve talked about—good character and a matched calling included—then the primary place that’s going to happen is in the context of the local church. This protects you from pursuing those that are not followers of Jesus and being “unequally yoked” (2 Cor. 6:14). On a pragmatic level, it also makes things a lot easier when marriage comes. In this model, you’re surrounded by people who know the both of you and love the both of you and want to see you flourish in your relationship with one another and with Jesus.
Principle #9: When marriage is inevitable, don’t wait.
As we’ve laid out, cultural pressures are real. My encouragement is to not adapt to the cultural norm. Meaning, if you’re in college or worried about finances and that’s why you’re waiting to put off marriage, let me encourage you: You’ll either be broke, single, and struggling with temptation, or broke, married, and enjoying one another in covenant. Hopefully you see, one is better.
What I’m saying is this: When marriage is inevitable, don’t wait. I’ve argued that dating is, truthfully, a “fun interview process.” You can have some of the most fun, but you’re also testing to see if this person is your spouse. You’re interviewing them in a real way to see if they will be the parents of your children. And, once the person has passed the interview, then there’s no reason to wait! Practically, this means that you should have a plan for all things related to marriage. Be practically working toward a budget, work, and living.
Now, I want to be clear. I’m not saying get married because you’re overtly desiring sexual relations with another person. In all honesty, that’s a recipe for a quick divorce. What I am saying, however, is that if marriage is coming, don’t prolong it unnecessarily. It’s a delicate balance to both not talk about marriage details too soon, and to also not wait. This is why you should be connected to the local church and surrounded by those who can walk with you in this process.
I also encourage couples to have regular “meetings.” It’s always good for the guy to ask the girl how she is feeling about the way things are going. A good, old-fashioned “DTR” (define the relationship) is needed regularly. Not to be cliche, but “clarity is charity.”
Principle #10: Remember the Destination
Above all, remember the reason why. None of these action steps should be taken as a means of “finding the perfect spouse” and especially not to earn God’s approval. I can assure you, Madelyn and I did not walk perfectly in dating. By God’s grace, however, if we keep our eyes on the destination—that is, the glory of God in Jesus Christ—then, dating will look like a beautiful picture of that Christ and His Church. Remain faithful toward that destination, and everything in your dating relationship will be just fine.
