The Dashboard of Dating, Part 1
The Dashboard of Dating : 10 Principles for God-glorifying Dating (Part 1)
As I write this blog post, yesterday marks eight months that Madelyn and I have been married. In a relatively short amount of time, I feel as though I’ve had the joy of the greatest eight months of my life. Even so, nothing else has revealed my sin as much as marriage has. It’s hard. It’s taught me more about myself and about Madelyn than I ever could have imagined.
As I think back on our time of dating and engagement, I can’t help but wonder about how we could have better stewarded the time in which we were pursuing one another to better prepare us for marriage. We had set firm boundaries physically and emotionally, and yet we are well-aware of our faults and mistakes looking back. It is with this in mind that I write this blog, encouraging you that if you’re thinking about dating someone—or you are dating someone—take it seriously. Because you’re not just pursuing your own holiness, you’re also stewarding someone else’s as well. That’s why we’re so invested in dating relationships. Yes, I want to see people get married (it’s fun to watch a relationship thrive into a covenant). But more than that, I want to see people flourish in their holiness as they do so. So, I’ve compiled a list of 10 principles (5 of which are below, 5 of which will be coming in my next blog post) that I think summarize how we should think about dating as a Christian.
The temptation with blogs like these is that you and I can very easily take discussions surrounding “dating principles” and form them into some kind of Pseudo-Pharisaical dating laws. This is why I’ve called this blog The “Dashboard” of Dating—because these are not so much rules to follow as principles that I see as helpful and healthy. Think about the dashboard of a car. If there are no lights popping up, there’s a good chance that you’re driving well and your engine is fine (which is still not always the case… these points are not infallible!). But, if lights on your dashboard begin popping up, it’s probably time to evaluate what’s wrong. Consider these principles as “check engine lights” that can help us avoid breaking down (or, in some cases, help us break up).
Some of the principles I argue for may be a bit controversial for the palette of our culture. If, at the end of this blog, you feel as though I’ve been “legalistic” (strict adherence to rules and laws to the exclusion of grace) or “moralistic” (focusing on moral behavior as the primary means of demonstrating righteousness), or maybe outright antiquated, then I’d encourage you to go read and study Ephesians chapter 5:21-31, and the gift of marriage that has been laid out for us in the Scriptures. I have been meditating recently on the blessing it is that we have an infallible rule of faith in the Scriptures, and am sure that I can say nothing more certain than what the Apostles offer us there. With that being said, if you’re interested in hearing my thoughts on dating from a biblical ethic, by all means continue reading. I’d first encourage you, however, that if you have not read my previous blogs, please do so here:
The previous blog posts will provide you with some context for some of the statements or principles that I will lay out in this post. Please familiarize yourself with those principles as multiple points build off of previous arguments I’ve made. With that being said though, I’ll be splitting up these 10 principles into two blogs. The first five are below!
Principle #1: Dating isn’t wise if marriage isn’t possible.
In Song of Solomon 8:4, we get a picture of a Bride—a Queen—rejoicing over the gift that she has been given in her husband. As she considers this incredible gift, she cries out with a charge to all unmarried young ladies: “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” She is so enamored by the beauty of the gift that she has been given, that she charges all young ladies to avoid awakening love before the young women have covenantally bound themselves in marriage. In the context of Song of Solomon, we know that this love that the Bride is referring to is intimate, sexual love.
The danger in dating with no view of marriage in sight is that, in my opinion, this “awakening” of love is inevitable. Spend enough time around someone of the opposite sex that you find attractive, and you’re going to end up falling in love. This is why, as I’ll argue, boundaries are a necessary and good thing. They keep us from this “awakening” of love.
I am a fallible teacher. I make no claim to apostolic authority, and I cannot in good conscience tell anyone how long you should date someone. I understand that things like parents, schooling, finances, and other factors make the pursuit of marriage difficult. I will say, however, that it worries me when couples date for years on-end and get engaged with no wedding date in sight. Part of me wonders how much we’ve let culture influence us here. The question arises in my mind—are you dating for a purpose? And I don’t just mean marriage. I mean with the goal of glorifying God. In my opinion, it’s really difficult to continue in a God-glorifying state of purity for years on end while close to someone of the opposite sex. (If it’s helpful in a practical sense, think about how people throughout history have gotten married with significantly less than we’ve had—and they didn’t let college graduation, financial statuses, or fears get in the way. They were just faithful to get married!)
For those of you who are in a situation similar to the one I’m describing, I understand reading this could make you feel a bit uncomfortable and like you’re ready to click that red “X” at the top of your screen. I want to be clear with you—this does not necessarily mean 1) that you have to break up nor 2) that you have to get married next week. What I’m arguing is that we must ask ourselves the question—WHY are we going on dates? Is there a goal in mind? Or are we just endlessly floating around in the abyss of purgatorial dating culture? If we view dating as what I call a “fun interview process” (it’s way more than just an interview… but it’s certainly no less than that!), then at some point, you’re going to know whether or not this person’s cut out to be your spouse. When that time comes, move forward in marriage or in breaking up… don’t wait!
P.S. I know one of the first rebuttals to this point is the reality of finances. Weddings can be expensive, rings certainly have price tags, and financially providing for your family is definitely a necessity. However, Madelyn and I are married, and by no means are we financially comfortable. The way we see it, if you’re broke (or in debt), you’re either going to be married and broke or single and broke. You will never have enough money to feel comfortable enough with “big life decisions.” Just move forward in faithfulness and watch the Lord provide for you along the way! And ladies, be willing to lay down the “dream wedding” and the “dream ring.” Remember to care far more about your marriage than you do your ring or your ceremony. Keep the big things big and the small things small.
Principle #2: First dates aren’t that deep.
In the past, I’ve encouraged guys that I’m discipling to ask girls out, and one of the things that would irritate me the most is when a God-honoring, kind young man would ask a girl out, the girl would say “yes,” and then she would text him the next day and say (something to the effect of) “Actually… I meant to say no.” (Ladies… if you’ve done this, I promise I forgive you, I’m just standing up for my brothers). Many times, either party will overthink the dating process out of fear of the commitment that one date will bring. I want to encourage both guys and girls, with a biblically framed view of dating, we should be able to acknowledge that dating in its purest sense is simply a guy and a girl growing in friendship with the goal of something more. On a date, you have no more of a commitment to one another than you do anyone else in the room. If that’s true, then there’s no harm, no foul in going on one date. I often say that we all tend to put up a front in group settings—we all put our best foot forward. What an appropriate date does is it puts a guy and a girl across the table from one another in such a manner that each of them can get the opportunity to be curious about the other person. It’s that simple!
Guys—this means that on a date, you should ask good questions to get to know the girl. Make her feel seen. Be confident. Ladies want to know that you’re interested in them. Listen way more than you talk. And if you talk, ask questions about them, and talk way more about them than you do about yourself. Have a lot of God-honoring fun! Go on a walk, enjoy a nice dinner spot or some ice cream. Get some coffee together. Go kayaking or on a duck boat tour. At the end of the date, if it went well, look at the girl and tell her, “I really enjoyed today. I’d love to go on a date again sometime soon to continue to get to know you better.”
Ladies—let the guy open the door for you, walk you to your door, walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street. Let him get to know you. And, if at the end of the night you don’t see this going anywhere, be honest with him. Don’t fear hurting his feelings. He needs to stare rejection in the face and learn to take it in light of the Cross and his Heavenly Father’s love for him. He’ll be okay.
Principle #3: Physical attraction matters much less than you think.
Both men and women have been deeply influenced by the pornographic culture that we live in. Staggering studies show that most men struggle with pornography on a regular basis. It’s also incorrect to assume that Satan’s just attacking men. This is an issue that crosses genders, as females are increasingly facing this sin. Not to mention, I fear that many ladies have been influenced by the “Knight in Shining Armor” lie that Disney and others have made us to believe. In the history of humanity, physical attraction has never been the primary motivation for love. One reason of course is that physical attraction wanes. You will not look like you do now in 30 years, and neither will your future spouse. But that’s the beauty of a covenantal relationship—it’s not built on the changing or the shifting, it’s built on a foundation that is steady. This is why we say things like “in sickness and in health, for better or for worse” in our marriage vows. Because the covenant remains stable amidst the changes of life—physical attraction included.
It would be a mistake to say that physical attraction does not matter at all (Song of Solomon does exist, after all). However, the reality that Song of Solomon shows us is that the physical attraction has come to its fullest fruition in the context of a healthy marital relationship—and not outside of it. I would argue that, because of this, we should cultivate in ourselves a desire for spiritual maturity and character above physical attraction. As you begin to notice the character of another individual and find that attractive, then you will grow in your physical attraction. If you would like to read more arguments for this, I can do no better than what Tim Keller’s argues in The Meaning of Marriage.
Principle #4: Christian dating should model the gospel.
If we know that marriage is one of the clearest examples of the gospel to the world (Eph. 5:25-26), and dating is a means that might end in marriage, then there must be something significant in the act of dating itself. Here’s what I mean: for men, there’s something Christ-like about pursuit. The gospel is the beautiful reality that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. He chased us down in relentless pursuit. Even while we were dead, far from God, following after things other than Him, consumed by our own passions, rebellious against Him, idolaters, and haters of Him… Jesus laid down His life for us. He pursued us. And, in a similar manner, there is something beautiful about a young man pursuing a young woman, “wooing” her through things like flowers and the fun of the dating experience.
Ladies, look for a guy like this. Who (within the context of godly boundaries) pursues you—to know you, and so that you would be known. Look for a man who points you to the gospel of Jesus even in the way He acts to you. Is he gentle with you? Is he sacrificial for you? If he’s not these things now, he definitely won’t be in marriage.
Guys—work really hard to make her know that you care for her. Find out her “love language.” Go out of your way to write notes, bring her flowers, and ask her explicitly to go out on dates with you. Compliment her. And most of all, serve her. That’s what love is, after all! It’s action. Serving the other person even and especially when you don’t feel like it.
P.S. It’s implied in the above principle—but I would argue it’s vitally important that Christians should date Christians. You want someone that can walk alongside you in your pursuit of Christ. Not someone who you’re having to drag along in a relationship with God. I’d also argue that God has designed marriage (and therefore dating relationships) to be pursued in heterosexual monogamous relationships. These are the only types of marriages that God oversees the covenant of. I will not be making an extensive argument to this point, as that’s not my focus of these blogs. If you’re interested more on this topic, I’d encourage you to read here.
Principle #5: Don’t become too exclusive.
When you begin dating someone, it’s important that you operate well in group settings. I advise students that if either party in a dating relationship have close, godly friends who do not approve of the relationship, then that’s a serious red flag. It’s a good idea to frequently ask friends their thoughts on the relationship, because God has placed other Christians in your life for the purpose of this counsel. As I’ve mentioned, with the societal progression to where we are in our dating culture, we’ve removed the voices of parents and even friends from our dating pursuits. However, the Lord has given these people to us as a means of wisdom and counsel that we would not otherwise have. Lean into what your family and friends think about the relationship. For “in an abundance of counselors there is safety” (Pvb. 11:14).
Don’t become too exclusive. Don’t spend too much time together alone (especially for the sake of your purity… we’ll talk about that in the next blog). Don’t let your friends, your grades (if in college), or your job (if applicable) suffer. Worry more about yourself than the “relationship.”
I’d encourage you as you think about these principles to pray through them. Pray through what step the Lord might be calling you to think about as you consider pursuing someone or being pursued. And most of all, remember the gospel. There is more love in Christ than there is sin in you. He is in the business of restoring those who have not walked the straight path in dating. And if that’s you, He wants to do that with and for you today. With that said, I’ll be continuing this blog series in a few weeks. Be on the lookout for principles 6-10!
